New post, my journey to being an adoptive mom

New post on my journey to becoming an adoptive mom and how it began a long time ago...but...
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Strawberry Picking

One of my favorite memories growing up is strawberry picking with my mom and brother. The three of us would spend countless hours harvesting those succulent little red candies of nature. Okay, maybe they spent countless hours actually harvesting while I spent hours frolicking around the strawberry patch and antagonizing my big brother.

I would steal strawberries out of my brothers bucket as to say, "pay attention to me." I mean if I annoyed him enough he would have to engage with me right? I would take strawberries and make a sticky red paint in my dirty little hands and then proceed to "draw" on my brothers bare back. There wasn't much of a canvas as my brother was a little dude, even being seven years older than me I never remember thinking he was big or scary. My brother maybe weighed 98 pounds with a backpack of wet beach towels on his back...his was little. So I would "draw" and "write" on his petite little canvas in strawberry ink until he was so annoyed he had to call Mom. He normally waited for quite awhile before calling in the backup though, he obliged me for longer than he should have. I always remember that about my brother, he was pretty patient with me as the pesky little sister.

Mom would gently distract me away and then I was off on another adventure among the red and green fields. Oh summer, it contained so many possibilities of fun. There is nothing like the feel of the sun beating down on my freckled little face as strawberry juice drips out of the corners of my mouth and landed on my Rainbow Bright T-shirt. I remember those days and how I didn't have a care in the world and how each new day seemed like it could be the best day of summer break yet.

We always ended up with quite a harvest at the end of the day, not any thanks to me though as my method was a little like this; "one for my bucket, two for me, one for my bucket, three for me." I took great pride in our "team effort" and bounty though. I loved sitting in the back of the car surrounded by the buckets of berries and the smell of summer. My little hazel eyes would twinkle all the way home as I knew what mama would do with these berries. Jams and jellies and strawberry waffles with whipped cream piled high, yahoo! Did you know you can and should get whip cream refills if you have a bite of waffle that doesn't have any? Yep, my mama told me...and showed me. Every bite should contain a dollop of whip cream, a bite of of waffle and a few fresh strawberry slices.

I think back to my strawberry picking days and an endless grin comes upon my face. Picking days were days spent with two of my favorite people in the world. Picking days had a purpose, we were working on a common goal of getting as many strawberries as we could. Picking days served another purpose as well, the purpose of togetherness and what I think most important...time. We were cultivating more than strawberries those days, we were cultivating family and memories.

I look at my three children ranging in age from 8 to 18 and strive to set them up with their own "picking" day memories. I want to nurture times of carefree fun and togetherness amongst the crazy busyness of our lives. I want to make time and space for play, teamwork and family time. I want to foster a cultural in my home where we allow for fun and grace filled sibling interactions even if we are working on a common goal, like cleaning the house.

I know it is easy in our list driven, check off this, do that, kind of society to overlook the power of play and fun. It is easier to be more task driven than carefree. I want to strive for a balance in my home where maybe one doesn't out weigh the other time wise, but heart wise. I want my kids' memories of our home and family to be more of "strawberry picking" and less of homework or chore nights. When they are contemplating memories as they get older I hope our "picking days" are what permeate in their memories.

Now I am sure we had plenty of chore days and evenings full of homework at my house growing up but those are not the memories that I recall most often. I day dream about fields of red, fishing in Eastern Oregon and backyard croquet games. I first don't think of vacuuming the stairs or unloading the dishwasher...although I had to do those things. I remember the memories and most importantly how they made me feel. I felt a part of something, felt loved and felt joyful.

I am challenging myself to find and make more of these moments with my children. I am challenging myself to evaluate from time to time how well Daniel and I set the stage in our family for this. Will you join me in my personal parenting challenge for creating more "picking days?"

Intentional Parenting - messy, beautiful and full of grace

I am labeling it intentional parenting. The big and little things that we do to love on our kids and teach them in the midst of our crazy lives.

Sometimes for my adopted son I call it therapeutic parenting as it takes on different level of healing and encouragement.

My kids are far from perfect and I am far from a perfect mother....but my job as "Mom" is one of my favorites. I do serve a perfect God though and I love how He guides me through it all.

I believe our job is to encourage and teach our kids daily, in the little stuff. I believe passionately that we are supposed to share truth with them, God's truth and that is it simply put. Will my kids in turn always pick up that truth and act on it? Of course not, just ask my 18 year old ;) But I am still called to share it with them and then I get to step back and let God and them handle the rest as they grow up and start to make the choices for themselves.

It looks different every day.

It does NOT look like long, boring, family devotionals.

Sometimes it is a conversation of instruction and other times I just listen.

It might be a note or text.

It might be a movie choice.

It might be a tone I have, regardless of theirs.

It might be a conversation after church.

It might be a lot of open ended questions.

It IS lots of prayer for them, about all of it!

Today it is Valentines Day.

Here is how I am being intentional with my three children.

I am talking with them about love and God's love and how many others are going without it today and if we love Jesus how he asks US to do something about it. (You can read my post from yesterday on that.)

I included things of truth and God's love in their valentines gifts. The inserted picture is a photo of what I put on my kids candy conversation hearts. (Here is the link to the printable: http://careyscotttalks.com/?download=gods-conversation-hearts)

We are going on a family Valentines dinner date and having each of the kids take 'The Five Love Languages' Quiz for children. Here is the link to that: (http://crcpeninsula.org/Love_Languages_Children_Guiz.pdf)

We included small gift cards to itunes in the older kids cards. I am going to encourage them to buy at least 1 worship song they really like right now and an audio book. I really want to pass on my love of books and stories on to them.

I hope I can encourage you to join me on my quest to be an intentional mama. It's beautiful and messy, but full of grace. The grace that God extends me as I fail often, the grace I extend to my kids when they choose things other than truth and the grace I extend to myself when I choose differently.

"The Lord delights in those who fear him, who put their hope in his unfailing love." 

(Psalms 147:11 NIV)

Where Is The Love?

"We love because He first loved us." (1 John 4:19)

As we approach Valentine's Day tomorrow I reflect on those without the love of a family.

Those who will have no such thing as a Valentines Day. My heart is heavy for them and we are continually praying about how and what God wants us to do about this. What is our role right now? What is our role in the near future? What is Gods mission and vision for us as a family to care and advocate for the "least of these."

I will celebrate tomorrow and cherish the love I have for my hubby and 3 kiddos.

I will use the day to talk of love, the love God has for us and the love we have for each other.

I will be ever thankful tomorrow and every day, but I also will remember, pray and act on behalf of those who do not have what we do.

Will you join us in asking "Where is the Love" and what I am supposed to do about it?

Tomorrow will be chalked full of warm fuzzies but today I challenge us to look at the cold hard facts.

It is estimated there are between 143 million and 210 million orphans worldwide (recent UNICEF report.)

Every day 5,760 more children become orphans

Approximately 250,000 children are adopted annually, but…

Each year 14, 505, 000 children grow up as orphans and age out of the system by age sixteen

Each day 38,493 orphans age out

Every 2.2 seconds another orphan ages out with no family to belong to and no place to call home

Studies have shown that 10% – 15% of these children commit suicide before they reach age eighteen

These studies also show that 60% of the girls become prostitutes and 70% of the boys become hardened criminals

Another study reported that of the 15,000 orphans aging out of state-run institutions every year, 10% committed suicide, 5,000 were unemployed, 6,000 were homeless and 3,000 were in prison within three years…

The UNICEF orphan numbers DON’T include abandonment (millions of children) as well as sold and/or trafficked children. The current population of the United States is just a little over 300 million… to give you an idea of the enormity of the numbers…

According to data released in 2003 as many as eight million boys and girls around the world live in institutional care. Some studies have found that violence in residential institutions is six times higher than violence in foster care, and that children in group care are almost four times more likely to experience sexual abuse than children in family based care.

An estimated 1.2 million children are trafficked every year; (THE STATE OF THE WORLD’S CHILDREN 2005)

2 million children, the majority of them girls, are sexually exploited in the multibillion-dollar commercial sex industry. (THE STATE OF THE WORLD’S CHILDREN 2005)

“The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

(Matthew 25:40)

2012 in review ~

Oh 2012 how great,beautiful, amazing and hard were you?!!!! Reflecting on this last year we have so much to be grateful for. So many things to bring smiles to our faces.

We are finally getting into a great groove of being a family of 5! Wendem has been making HUGE strides in so many areas! Growing in trust of us which completely transforms our house, growing in confidence which totally helps him in school and socially and of course his English is improving amazingly which helps everything. Communication makes things so much easier! He is really picking it up, people are amazed to know he has only been home 4 months. I feel like he is finally coming into himself. The Wendem we are getting to experience now is giggly, enthusiastic, grateful and just plain silly....yep he is a Herzog alright! He recently conquered one of his biggest fears....the school bus. When he first arrived he was down right adamant that he would never ride one of those, even if brother did he was just too darn scared. Well one day a few weeks before Christmas break he came home from school and declared he was ready. I about fell over but I jumped on his energy and called the bus folks. They don't allow parents to ride the bus for lots of reasons but I did convince them to let Chase ride with him for the first day. Sure enough Chase rode with him, showed him the bus transfer protocol and he was off. (He rides a bus, gets to the hs here and switches buses both ways.) Now he is an old pro and riding the bus to school and has even rode it home. Yahoo!!!

Just as many new mothers fill a baby book with babys first words and funny toddler sayings I too am doing the same. Here are some fun things our little man has said:

*When talking about his homework and the top of his page he said, " I wrote on the upstairs of my paper and teacher helped me on the downstairs" (bottom) :)

*He wanted to play with a friend from school the other day but I told him I didn't have his friends phone number or address. He said "Mom just ask the lady in your phone to give you directions like before when went to Yibis house, she tell you how to get to Ryans." I just cracked up! I tried to explain to him that we had to have a address before the nice lady could give us directions, thanks MapQuest!

*We were at the mall as a family visiting Tay at work and he saw the photo of Santa and wondered why in the world Santa would come here. I asked him if Santa ever came to Ethiopia, "nope, his legs would get too tired to walk there." LOL!

*I was folding laundry the other day in the dining room where he came and promptly turned the light off in the room. I said I need that light on, he then asked me, "Do you have money for that light mom?" I think he is listening when we tell the kids to turn the lights off in a room eh!

The list of these are forever long but these are a few of my current favorites. I love the way he says "little and really" in his cute Amharic accent.

Wendem many days is a mini-Chase, he just LOVES big brother and those two have so much fun together. We are constantly impressed with Chase's love and energy for Wendem, we often find them wrestling or watching movies like old pals :)

Wendem loves music as does the rest of our family, he loves to dance and sing even if he doesn't know the words ;) Some of his favorites range from Chris Tomlin to Flo Rida. Like I mentioned before, a true Herzog;)

Here are some other fun things to reflect on that we are grateful for this past year!

God brought our son home after a long 13 months of waiting and fundraising!! We pushed through some hard adjustment times but we hung in there and now things are better than ever. Not to say we won't ever have rough times again but we have finally got into a smooth groove as a family of 5.

Taylor Dawn graduated high school and started college which she is loving. We can't believe she is 18 now!!!! She is smart, beautiful, funny and fun to watch grow into the woman God created her to be. All I can say is watch out world! She has been working at the mall for a year or so now working at Orange Julius and Chattys. She loves the barista part of working so just recently took a job at up and coming CoffeeHouse here in downtown Bozeman that she will start in a few weeks. She will graduate from the Esthics school in April and plans to work in her field along with the coffee house and then is looking into going to MSU this fall.

Chase is loving 7th grade and realizing his true passions and talents. I can't believe he just turned 13, really two teenagers in this house! This year he laid down his 9 year soccer career for focusing on music. He loves playing guitar, singing and making music on the computer. He and his best friend Karen tried out for the talent show this year. With over 60 plus acts and only 20 chosen they got in and will be performing at the Emerson in the show later in the month. I can't wait!

Our house is full of love, laughter and big extremes. You might catch us chatting about college financial aid or what would be a good snack for a second grader....the joys of having kids 10 years apart! As most of you know if I had my way I would graduate one and bring a new one in ;) Now my hubby on the other hand doesn't agree, although we do not think that we are completely finished though...we know we may do this addition thing once or twice more...but God's timing is perfect and we will know when that is. (I am petitioning for a girl to even things out!!!;)

2012 brought a lot of work, pain, joy and peace as does each year. This year though we are especially thankful for God's provision in our lives. His hand was all over our adoption of little Wendem and you never had to doubt if it was His plan, it was and He provided for us ever step of the way.

We are so grateful for all of you who journeyed with us and continue to do so! Praying 2013 is an amazing year for us all. God Bless!

Lots of Love, The Herzog 5

This post is rated "R" - R for REAL (The truth inside post adoption)

Did the title grab your attention? Well that is where I am headed folks...to the land of "REAL".
So here it goes...

Lots of people lately have asked how we are doing and how they can pray for us. I can't tell you how much that means to us. To have others praying for us is such a precious gift that we never take for granted!

Our answer to this question of how can I be praying for you is this..."Pray for healing for Wendem." Some times I get a look of confusion as those words cross my lips..."Healing?". I think it takes some folks aback as they are not sure what he would need healing from. Well here is what my son and most adopted children will need healing from, especially older adopted kiddos...

My son is grieving...big time. Grieving from what many ask? You just did this great thing and gave him a family. The whole great thing is a total other blog post...we did nothing great...just what God asked of us. My son is grieving EVERYTHING he has ever know. His country, his people, his birth family, his nannies at the orphanage, his friends, his native language, his food, his structure, his cultural...everything! Even if what he has moved to is good, it is still new, different, sometimes scary and not what he has know for the last 8 years. I can barely fathom what it would feel like for me to be dropped into a country where I couldn't communicate and where everything was different. By the end of day one I imaging being pretty frustrated and worn out. It takes a lot of emotional energy to adjust like that. Every time Wendem speaks or listens he is translating. He has to translate everything we say to him and every word he hears his teacher or friends say. Then he has to translate out everything he wants to tell us...some days it has just got to be exhausting. Now don't get me wrong his English is coming along great but I can see the days when it is down right hard. We have finally gotten to a place where he tells me..."Mom, I don't know the English." He says this when he wants to tell me something but just doesn't know enough English to do so. Sometimes it is followed with anger as he so badly wants to communicate something to me....other times it is filled with a sadness that makes my heart ache.

My son is trying to find his place.... All of the behavioral issues we have encountered with him started around the 4 week mark. Which makes complete sense as I reflect and dive into where he is coming from. Last time he was here what did we do at 4 weeks? Well, we sent him back! Not because we wanted to of course but that is how the hosting program-adoption works. So deep inside he thought  he might have to go back and he was scared, angry and hurt. 2 weeks into the hard stuff he asked me..."Mom, you and Dad mad at me and me go back?" "Of course not" I replied. "No matter what you get to stay here forever, even if Mom and Dad are mad." He thought that when we disciplined him that we were getting ready to ship him back! What a scary thought! It breaks my heart to think he spent nights thinking of this until he could verbalize it and I of course could reassure him that nothing, nothing was ever going to make it so he had to go back or leave our family. We are still weekly reassuring him of this truth.

My son has had many traumas...coming here being one of them! Wendem has been through a lot in his few years...and I mean a lot! I share some of them to educate but lots will never be shared as his story is personal to him and is meant for him alone. Wendem's had at least 3 Moms so far in his 8 years. His birth mother, his aunt who raised him for a short time, countless nannies at the orphanages and now me....trauma. That's a lot of adjustment with some abandonment issues all mixed in. I think what his birth mother did was courageous, to love him enough to know she couldn't care for his needs and give him up in hopes someone else could do a better a job...that is real love and I hope to always honor her in how I raise Wendem. Our home will always be a safe place to talk of her and he will be reminded of her love for him. Wendem has lived in at least 12 different places...trauma. Wendem has many birth siblings...some he remembers and many he has not met...trauma. You get the picture...I could go on and on.

So there is a partial answer that summarizes my answer for those of you have asked. The grief, trying to find his place and the traumas unfold in many different ways. Some days it is anger, even physically anger or hurtful words. Other days it is sadness or confusion, other times it is just defiance. We never know how our days will begin or end and we are navigating the triggers to all of these behaviors. At the core he is a very sweet sensitive little boy looking for belonging and love. The four of us work hard at continuing to give him a consistent place of love and acceptance no matter what.

We are thankful for the community of support we have and that others are walking this same hard road right beside us. God is teaching us all lots of huge things along this continued journey...my two biggest takeaways are patience and grace. I am thankful I serve a God who is always a prayer away and who is so readily there to offer me the love and grace I so often have to extend. Again, this journey is beautiful, messy, amazing and hard, but we are in!

Thank you for reading our journey and for your supportive thoughts and prayers. I encourage you to follow us. (there is a place on the right hand side to enter your email in.) I also encourage you to share our  Blog (story) with others. We know God is asking us to tell our story to help others through all stages of adoption and post adoption...the pretty and not so pretty parts. We humbly invite others in to see what it really looks like from fundraising to parenting. We want to be a resource to prospective adoptive parents, adoptive parents, adoptive grandparents, family and friends. We welcome questions, thoughts and encouragement.

GOD BLESS! The Herzogs

Together at last! Beautiful,messy,amazing and hard...

We did it! We made it! Wendem is home for good!

Our little man has been home for 7 weeks and it feels like 7 days and 7 years all at the same time. You who have adopted or remember what bringing your baby home from the hospital is like in those first few months know exactly what I am talking about :) It all happens so fast but then you can barely remember life without them!

Driving home on September 9th from the airport was so emotional for me. It was exactly 13 months earlier that I had put this dear sweet boy on a plane back to Africa...and now I was driving him home...home to our house...FOREVER! It almost felt like it was the first time I had taken a deep breath in 13 months. I could now officially breathe...this part of our journey was over. Every single day of those 13 months I was acutely aware of what we needed to do or had to be done and that something was missing. There was always something to do, something to work for, something to strive for, something to pray for, money to raise, something to anticipate. Now I could finally breathe, I honestly felt like I left a huge weight sitting in the airport parking lot. I exchanged it for this cute bubbly brown eyed boy whom I couldn't and still can't stop hugging.

In the time since Wendem arrived home so much has had to happen. We went through the re-aging process to determine his true age. With the help of our amazing pediatrician and bone scans we discovered that Wendem was turning 8, not 10 like his birth certificate states. In the coming months we will have to officially start paperwork to make that correction. We also let Wondimagagne pick a "American" name....after weeks of deliberation he chose Wendem, it incorporates his birth name but it much easier to spell and pronounce ;) He not only has an new name but a new nickname as well that his silly Dad gave him...if any of know my husband at all you know what I mean. Daniel calls Wendem "Dubs", as in W. Wendem had to receive several rounds of immunizations to be able to start public school. We had to start from scratch so he had to receive every shot from infant until now...that was tough! We enrolled Wendem in school and start working with the ESL teacher in our district. He is a big 2nd grader at Irving school here in Bozeman. Grandma helped us get him a bicycle for his birthday and he is learning to ride a bike for the first time..(training wheels on)

Some days have been easy and full of smiles, others are filled with frustration and tears. Trying to navigate all the newness and not speaking the same language is quite the challenge. The days our son is upset or grieving I want so badly to be able to explain to him and console him through my words. Instead I just hold him through the tears or anger he has and keep telling him how much we love him and that he gets to stay here forever. We tell him over and over again that he is our son, that we love him and that he now is part of a family, our family and nothing will ever change that. I will say that as each week goes by we are seeing major progress. It is amazing how his English is coming along and how much better we all are communicating.

The last 7 weeks have been beautiful, messy, amazing and hard...but I wouldn't have it any other way. Life in our house looks very different as does any home where a new family member is added. We are daily learning our new "normal". He definitly has a sense of humor and loves to play which fits perfectly into our lives. His little smile and smirk can light up the room or make me smile in an instant. Chase and Wendem are often found wrestling or playing football in the yard. Chase is a super big brother, it actually brings me to tears often ! I love watching the boys together! Taylor is so busy with college and work but always finds some time to give to us and we take it and count it precious when we get all three of them together for some good family time!

I look forward to blogging more on our "new normal" and helping other prospective or adopting families see a little window into what all happens after your kiddos arrive home for good. God is teaching us all so much and we look forward to sharing that! Blessings to you and yours!

Hugs, The Herzogs