So here it goes...
Lots of people lately have asked how we are doing and how they can pray for us. I can't tell you how much that means to us. To have others praying for us is such a precious gift that we never take for granted!
Our answer to this question of how can I be praying for you is this..."Pray for healing for Wendem." Some times I get a look of confusion as those words cross my lips..."Healing?". I think it takes some folks aback as they are not sure what he would need healing from. Well here is what my son and most adopted children will need healing from, especially older adopted kiddos...
My son is grieving...big time. Grieving from what many ask? You just did this great thing and gave him a family. The whole great thing is a total other blog post...we did nothing great...just what God asked of us. My son is grieving EVERYTHING he has ever know. His country, his people, his birth family, his nannies at the orphanage, his friends, his native language, his food, his structure, his cultural...everything! Even if what he has moved to is good, it is still new, different, sometimes scary and not what he has know for the last 8 years. I can barely fathom what it would feel like for me to be dropped into a country where I couldn't communicate and where everything was different. By the end of day one I imaging being pretty frustrated and worn out. It takes a lot of emotional energy to adjust like that. Every time Wendem speaks or listens he is translating. He has to translate everything we say to him and every word he hears his teacher or friends say. Then he has to translate out everything he wants to tell us...some days it has just got to be exhausting. Now don't get me wrong his English is coming along great but I can see the days when it is down right hard. We have finally gotten to a place where he tells me..."Mom, I don't know the English." He says this when he wants to tell me something but just doesn't know enough English to do so. Sometimes it is followed with anger as he so badly wants to communicate something to me....other times it is filled with a sadness that makes my heart ache.
My son is trying to find his place.... All of the behavioral issues we have encountered with him started around the 4 week mark. Which makes complete sense as I reflect and dive into where he is coming from. Last time he was here what did we do at 4 weeks? Well, we sent him back! Not because we wanted to of course but that is how the hosting program-adoption works. So deep inside he thought he might have to go back and he was scared, angry and hurt. 2 weeks into the hard stuff he asked me..."Mom, you and Dad mad at me and me go back?" "Of course not" I replied. "No matter what you get to stay here forever, even if Mom and Dad are mad." He thought that when we disciplined him that we were getting ready to ship him back! What a scary thought! It breaks my heart to think he spent nights thinking of this until he could verbalize it and I of course could reassure him that nothing, nothing was ever going to make it so he had to go back or leave our family. We are still weekly reassuring him of this truth.
My son has had many traumas...coming here being one of them! Wendem has been through a lot in his few years...and I mean a lot! I share some of them to educate but lots will never be shared as his story is personal to him and is meant for him alone. Wendem's had at least 3 Moms so far in his 8 years. His birth mother, his aunt who raised him for a short time, countless nannies at the orphanages and now me....trauma. That's a lot of adjustment with some abandonment issues all mixed in. I think what his birth mother did was courageous, to love him enough to know she couldn't care for his needs and give him up in hopes someone else could do a better a job...that is real love and I hope to always honor her in how I raise Wendem. Our home will always be a safe place to talk of her and he will be reminded of her love for him. Wendem has lived in at least 12 different places...trauma. Wendem has many birth siblings...some he remembers and many he has not met...trauma. You get the picture...I could go on and on.
So there is a partial answer that summarizes my answer for those of you have asked. The grief, trying to find his place and the traumas unfold in many different ways. Some days it is anger, even physically anger or hurtful words. Other days it is sadness or confusion, other times it is just defiance. We never know how our days will begin or end and we are navigating the triggers to all of these behaviors. At the core he is a very sweet sensitive little boy looking for belonging and love. The four of us work hard at continuing to give him a consistent place of love and acceptance no matter what.
We are thankful for the community of support we have and that others are walking this same hard road right beside us. God is teaching us all lots of huge things along this continued journey...my two biggest takeaways are patience and grace. I am thankful I serve a God who is always a prayer away and who is so readily there to offer me the love and grace I so often have to extend. Again, this journey is beautiful, messy, amazing and hard, but we are in!
Thank you for reading our journey and for your supportive thoughts and prayers. I encourage you to follow us. (there is a place on the right hand side to enter your email in.) I also encourage you to share our Blog (story) with others. We know God is asking us to tell our story to help others through all stages of adoption and post adoption...the pretty and not so pretty parts. We humbly invite others in to see what it really looks like from fundraising to parenting. We want to be a resource to prospective adoptive parents, adoptive parents, adoptive grandparents, family and friends. We welcome questions, thoughts and encouragement.
GOD BLESS! The Herzogs
